Social Apathy

Submitted by myownself on Fri, 2010-07-16 22:47 My Gallery

I have witnessed the bangle breaking act at a few deaths where the woman is so much in pain at the death of her husband, being helped by others to even do the parikrama, when suddenly a MAN from the crowd holds her hands and cruelly breaks her glass bangles or pulls out other bangles if unbreakable. Why is this required?

Till the husband is alive, no single man has the guts to even touch her and suddenly the death of her husband allows another man to hold her hands and do the bad thing. Why does not any one object to this? The way it was done at a few places was so annoying that I felt like slapping the man at the spot, unfortunately, I could not do it as I was bound by the social ethics. Why do we all not come forward and ban this ritual and many such others where a woman is humiliated after the death of her husband. It should be the woman's choice whether she wants to remove the bangles or any other thing for that matter. Who are those devils to do that unwarranted act? No hell will break down if she does not do it.

I am just back from one such place now and along with the pain of losing the dear one, the way this act was performed is hurting me to the core and no one to share and understand this. I thought I could pen down my feelings here.

In the name of society, a woman has been tortured cruelly on many occasions and cannot voice her feelings because many of her own clan- the women themselves are involved in the acts.

toindhu's picture

toindhu

Sat, 2010-07-17 01:37

Very true, Its appaling that such customs are still followed when every one claims to have modernised. Wearing western out fit alone dosent make one modern , Its standing up against such cruel practices that counts.

jkmrao's picture

jkmrao

Sat, 2010-07-17 03:48

I feel your pain. This takes me back to the past when my father passed away more than forty years ago and my mother had to undergo these. Not only the bangle breaking, but also she was isolated for the whole afternoon till the evening light was lit. We were not allowed to go near her and talk with her as she possessed "evil" eyes during that time. How does one avoid these humiliating situations? Unfortunately, all these ceremonies come as a package. If we want one part, the other one follows. May be it is possible to inform the priests who conduct these beforehand so that dignity may be maintained. In fact, a "living will" by husbands against such acts to their dear wives after their death may be helpful in the preservation of dignity.

Regards! - mOhana

myownself's picture

myownself

Sat, 2010-07-17 04:58

You are right Mohana. Probably, if the priest is told before hand, this might be avoided. But in the case I witnessed last, it was the priest himself who told into the ear of that devil of a man to do it (I know I am very harsh in my language, but that is because I am so much hurt). Basically the work of a priest is only to chant the mantras and do the religious rituals. No religion says anything of this sort. Why should he interfere in the social ritual.

Moreover, at that time of shock and pain, hardly would anyone get the intuition to talk to the priest. But sure, that is a good idea. I feel that these things should be taken up collectively and banned and make people so much aware that no one dare do such a thing. In the name of rituals and ceremonies, which are so called social, so many anti social things happen. And the worst part is it is always the woman who bears the brunt. My heart aches to know what your mother underwent and so many women have faced. When would all this stop? No body can touch a man or do any such thing to him in a similar circumstance, then why a woman?

Even educated people are so much uncivilised, that.... .. better I stop here because my heart is really crying and I may pour out things which may not sound good.

Lata's picture

Lata

Sun, 2010-07-18 22:33

Myownself, I understand what you are talking about, and couldn't agree more. There are times when I feel that changes could be made to such rituals and customs, one step at a time, one family at a time. If each married daughter and daughter-in-law discusses these type of issues with her own parents and in-laws, and succeeds in convincing the previous generation that such rituals are cruel and barbaric, then there is a possibility of change in the positive direction. One has to speak up, and continue to do so, until she is heard, first by her own family for starters.

Lata's picture

Lata

Mon, 2010-07-19 19:20

Like I said; one woman at a time, one family at a time. Here is today's example:
http://timesofindia.indiatimes.com/City/Mysore/Woman-performs-dads-last-rites/articleshow/6189466.cms

myownself's picture

myownself

Mon, 2010-07-19 22:14

Thanks Lata for the info. Yes this is a good example and inspiration for social reforms. I wish all women become so strong.

jayamohan's picture

jayamohan

Thu, 2010-07-22 05:14

I remember how my grand mother who became a widow at the age of 17 would feel to sit before the barber every month to tonsure her hair! This was about 50 years ago. My mother stopped wearing thali and sindoor after my fathers death, by herself. This was about 20 years ago. Of late even these rituals are not forced on women, I feel. Reforms do happen but in a slow pace. People need to think and discuss a lot.

myownself's picture

myownself

Mon, 2011-04-18 04:52

I could do it and that brings an inner satisfation .
My father expired last month after a short illness. We were weeping as the final rites were being performed. And suddenly I noticed a close friend of my mother looking at my mother's bangles and whispering something to my aunt(father's sister). I suddenly got up and went to my mother who was crying, and told her not to allow anyone touch her bangles. Then when the time of the parikrama came, my bhabhis(sisters-in-law) were on each side of my mother and I told them to make sure that the bangles must not be touched. As the parikrama was over, one gentleman, a close family friend pointed at the bangles and murmured something and I stepped forward and told that nobody must touch the bangles. I could see so many eyes staring at me, but I was determined. And thus saved my mother from that painful act. That day after everyone went away, even at that time of pain, my mother who is 75, called me and told me with a calm feeling" You saved my bangles".

Of course, the grief of losing my father is so much, but I think I could do a bit to keep my mother a little comfortable.

Yes, as suggested by revered members earlier, each one must stand for such a cause.
regards,

smahalakshmi's picture

smahalakshmi

Mon, 2011-04-18 05:54

First, i convey my deep condolences on the loss of your father.

You have done a good thing. Every woman must come forward to express her feelings. Ofcourse, we too have the basic human rights - right to speak. When a wife is dead, there is no such cruel acts for the husband, then why do they do such cruel things for a woman.

Many people argue that thali (mangal suthra) and sindoor etc, all these things come after marraige and hence it has to be removed when a husband is dead. But why should they remove flowers and bangles? These things are worn by a woman from her childhood days.

Also i would like to question one more thing - In Hindu Brahmins marraige, they change the sacred thread for the groom. When he is a brahmachari, he will be wearing a single set (consists of three threads) of poonal. At the time of marraige, they change it into 2 sets (consists of six threads), saying that he is getting promoted to Grihasta. So when a wife is dead, are they removing the second set of the sacred thread for the husband? No where. Then why should they remove the thali from the woman's neck? Let her continue wearing it like any other jewellery.

Mahalakshmi

myownself's picture

myownself

Sat, 2011-04-23 01:50

Thanks Mahalakshmi for your feelings. It is indeed a big loss for me.
I very much agree with the examples you have sighted. Very true. The cruelty and hatred with which these rituals are performed are very painful and torturing. I have seen places where a widow is considered untouchable for so many days or weeks.

The loss of a dear one definitely brings a tsunami in one's life, but at the same time one has to live the remaining part of the life (and nobody knows how long it would be). So one should be FREE to choose the mental and material comforts to live the remaining life of the quality one desires. Things like "what would people say if I do this or that" must not hinder the peace in her/his life .

We need to rise above such things and reach a level where one is free to choose his or her own way of living irrespective of the caste or religion or even the social rituals. Rising above such things does not mean a person is not social.The nature, behaviour, the deeds, the character, the intelligence- all these make a good person.

regards,

jkmrao's picture

jkmrao

Mon, 2011-04-18 07:47

As I mentioned earlier, all these come as a package. Personally, I feel all these are going to vanish after a few years. Give it a bit of time. But the institutions are so powerful. Even a person like the late Mrs Indira Gandhi did not wear the bindi after the death of her husband Feroze. That is where I believe we must move toward a civil ceremony instead of a religious one. At one time, shaving the head (remember the famous jayakaantan story yugasandhi and the novella and the movie phaNiyamma by MK Indira?) and offering death ceremonies to the living if they break the moral code (movie ghaTaSrAddha or ceremony in a pot) were common. But those have almost vanished now. The same is going to be the case with these also. What was once a voluntary expression of love by women (like removing bangles and not wearing flowers) became a custom forced on them later. But the women are more liberated now. There is lot of dichotomy in the rituals. On one hand we want to do rituals for the dead so that the soul reaches heaven and does not cause evil things to the living. On the other hand, we also question the rituals mentioned here. The priests will then say if you want one, you must follow the other too. More power to the women and more civil ceremonies than the religious ones. To me religion is more cultural than ritual. I still feel so sad when I read that the girls have no future for increasing their numbers in India. If the trend continues, we may go back to the days of polyandry. Education is what is necessary. That is where many young women on this forum can play a wonderful role.

Regards! - mOhana

myownself's picture

myownself

Sat, 2011-04-23 02:05

Yes Mohanaji, all these come as a package and it is difficult to draw a line to separate the religious rituals from such unwanted rituals. But it is a bound social duty to protect the women from such painful and cruel formalities, and prevent the miseries being added to their lives. We can see the changes coming, though at a slow pace, that too only in certain communities or families, a handful to say. There is a long way to go.

And as you say, Education is what is necessary, I too believe in that. I try to do a bit of what I can, though it is very difficult at times. Your suggestion that women on this forum can play a wonderful role is really great. I would welcome suggestion for any way that I can contribute in this great cause. I really wish to do at least a little bit that I can, to help women out.

Thanks and regards,